So why did I start this bloody thing in the first place?

January 16, 2007 at 2:08 am (Uncategorized)

I am of course talking about why I started my blog.

Why did I start it again? Is it because the Yahoo page hypnotized me by showing 360 to me as something exciting, popular and friendly? Partly.

Some of you that have read some of my earlier entries or that I have told via messages or email will know that I lost my mother a year ago, six months before that I lost my husband, a year before that I lost my father and six months before that I lost my brother-in-law.

After my mother died, I was still living in her house as I was caring for her (she had a stroke three years previously and lost her speech and mobility) and suddenly I was left totally alone. Alone in a three bedroom house on a large piece of land an hour and a half travelling time from my work and friends.

Lonely, I joined an internet dating website and met a wonderful and beautiful man that I felt very strongly for but was leaving the country.

That was a great experience that made me feel good about myself again, but in the end was painful as well.

But once he had left I was alone and needed to get out of that house and move back to the city.

I was extremely lucky to find this little cottage next door to my friend and work colleague, Pam and her partner Ian.

So things seemed to be looking up, until my siblings read my mothers will and discovered she had left the house to me. They were so upset that I have not spoken to them for a year now, and we are still fighting over it.

Meanwhile I had a lump in my right breast that seemed to be growing very quickly. Finally I forced myself to go to the doctor to be examined. The radiologist was panic stricken when she felt it and arranged for me to have an ultrasound a few days later. I spent all day at the clinic waiting to have the ultrasound, and as the doctors were looking at the scan I saw their faces drop and they said, “Frankly we are worried for you, it is an unusual lump with ragged edges so we must take a core biopsy to find out what it is”.

So they took a core biopsy, well no matter what it was it was going to have to be taken out. I spent about four days or so thinking I may have cancer. Thankfully I didn’t have cancer, but I still had to cope with the thought that this large 10cm lump was going to have to be operated on. I had never had surgery before and the thought of someone cutting into my breast was horrible to me.

Well the surgery came and went, it all went well thank goodness.

A month or so after the surgery I decided to get back onto the internet dating sites and I went out with a few men but really couldn’t find anyone that I felt I could see myself with for any length of time.

In a way I became a bit obsessed with it and finding a partner, I was on so many dating sites I couldn’t even remember all of them.

So one day I decided to try and focus on something else, but what?

Yes, I thought, that was it; I would try writing a blog! Ironically I thought it would be a good way to forget about men and get back in touch with who I am by expressing my thoughts and writing some poetry and maybe doing some artwork as well.

It wasn’t meant for anyone’s entertainment except my own. It wasn’t meant to make anyone else happy or sad.

I didn’t start it to be part of the 360 community, or to be popular or get on the “interesting pages”. All I wanted was to find myself again.

Its all been so overwhelming, I have to keep sight of why I started this in the first place. And as I get deeper and deeper into the 360 community I see all sorts of dramas and interactions going on, I don’t want these dramas, I just want to be me.

Please just let me be me.

Love Me xxxxx

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P.S. I just wanted to say that I am thankful for all the wonderful friends I have made on 360. It has been very unexpected. And I am still thankful for all the things I do have in life. Like a good job that I love, a little house I love, my pussycats, my friends, living in a beautiful country and mangos!