So why did I start this bloody thing in the first place?

January 16, 2007 at 2:08 am (Uncategorized)

I am of course talking about why I started my blog.

Why did I start it again? Is it because the Yahoo page hypnotized me by showing 360 to me as something exciting, popular and friendly? Partly.

Some of you that have read some of my earlier entries or that I have told via messages or email will know that I lost my mother a year ago, six months before that I lost my husband, a year before that I lost my father and six months before that I lost my brother-in-law.

After my mother died, I was still living in her house as I was caring for her (she had a stroke three years previously and lost her speech and mobility) and suddenly I was left totally alone. Alone in a three bedroom house on a large piece of land an hour and a half travelling time from my work and friends.

Lonely, I joined an internet dating website and met a wonderful and beautiful man that I felt very strongly for but was leaving the country.

That was a great experience that made me feel good about myself again, but in the end was painful as well.

But once he had left I was alone and needed to get out of that house and move back to the city.

I was extremely lucky to find this little cottage next door to my friend and work colleague, Pam and her partner Ian.

So things seemed to be looking up, until my siblings read my mothers will and discovered she had left the house to me. They were so upset that I have not spoken to them for a year now, and we are still fighting over it.

Meanwhile I had a lump in my right breast that seemed to be growing very quickly. Finally I forced myself to go to the doctor to be examined. The radiologist was panic stricken when she felt it and arranged for me to have an ultrasound a few days later. I spent all day at the clinic waiting to have the ultrasound, and as the doctors were looking at the scan I saw their faces drop and they said, “Frankly we are worried for you, it is an unusual lump with ragged edges so we must take a core biopsy to find out what it is”.

So they took a core biopsy, well no matter what it was it was going to have to be taken out. I spent about four days or so thinking I may have cancer. Thankfully I didn’t have cancer, but I still had to cope with the thought that this large 10cm lump was going to have to be operated on. I had never had surgery before and the thought of someone cutting into my breast was horrible to me.

Well the surgery came and went, it all went well thank goodness.

A month or so after the surgery I decided to get back onto the internet dating sites and I went out with a few men but really couldn’t find anyone that I felt I could see myself with for any length of time.

In a way I became a bit obsessed with it and finding a partner, I was on so many dating sites I couldn’t even remember all of them.

So one day I decided to try and focus on something else, but what?

Yes, I thought, that was it; I would try writing a blog! Ironically I thought it would be a good way to forget about men and get back in touch with who I am by expressing my thoughts and writing some poetry and maybe doing some artwork as well.

It wasn’t meant for anyone’s entertainment except my own. It wasn’t meant to make anyone else happy or sad.

I didn’t start it to be part of the 360 community, or to be popular or get on the “interesting pages”. All I wanted was to find myself again.

Its all been so overwhelming, I have to keep sight of why I started this in the first place. And as I get deeper and deeper into the 360 community I see all sorts of dramas and interactions going on, I don’t want these dramas, I just want to be me.

Please just let me be me.

Love Me xxxxx

Watch the video

P.S. I just wanted to say that I am thankful for all the wonderful friends I have made on 360. It has been very unexpected. And I am still thankful for all the things I do have in life. Like a good job that I love, a little house I love, my pussycats, my friends, living in a beautiful country and mangos!

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28 Comments

  1. Mac said,

    Fluffy, from day one since I sent you a smile, I knew it was worth doing so. And may you always know I appreciate the friendship and warmth you’ve shared with me during this time too.

  2. Anonymous said,

    Wow! What can I say to that backstory. You’d told me a little of it before in mails between us, but jeeze… you’ve been through the mill. If anyone deserves a little happiness and a break, it’s you. It’s also nice to know something of the background of the people whose blogs we read, who we communicate with. It helps to place everything into some kind of context and helps us to understand what we read a little more. Two people could write the same thing, word for word, but the meaning could be completely different.

    Thanks for sharing 🙂

    As for the blogging-stress, I know what you mean. I started to write purely for my own entertainment and to have a forum to write for myself, to make sure I was writing daily, as opposed to what I’d been writing 99% of the time lately which was ads for home furnishings stores of copy for pharaceutical brochures! The fun of working in advertising, eh? Well, time to start writing for me again and time for you to continue doing the same. 🙂

    Chat to you soon!

  3. Anonymous said,

    You are very famous all over the world. You just commit youself to how long you want. It will be there when you are ready. I know you are over whelmed. Maybe a once a week post would do for all your fans. Put it on a poll. I’ll vote for you.

  4. Anonymous said,

    I sit here and read peoples entrys and cry…but, when I get to yours I laugh and sometimes I cry. I know you are tired.

  5. Trippinjimi said,

    Hey Fluffybutt,
    Thanx for sharing all that with us,you’re a very strong woman.
    I haven’t spoken to my sister for three years and my brothers an alchoholic manic depressive. The family just disintergrated after Mom died, i guess she was the glue that held us all together.
    Anyway, whatever the reason, i for one am glad that you do write your blog and post your pickys. 360 would be a poorer place without you girl.
    You be you and i’ll be me and we’ll all be us together.
    Tony.xx

  6. Anonymous said,

    You know what I hate is when you do all the work and other folks holding out their hands. Hollering. Girl you can imagine how hard It was for me at these events. I can write it down and maybe I can tell ya some time. Some people are just crazy. Dont sell or split something you inherited. If you sell. Do not split. It belongs to you and only you.

  7. Anonymous said,

    This blog can wait till you are ready for some fun. There is someone that you will find. Don’t look too hard he’ll show up. Probably at your door. Don’t Be suprised. I have Fibroid brest disease in both of my breast and I will not have any thing but a mamogram because, when my time is done. I can rest too. This Lump you speak of scared my grandmother to a heart attack. Now dont for get to breathe. Live and visit the stores. Your man will show up real soon.

  8. Anonymous said,

    Definitely sounds like you’ve had enough drama in your life… Well, I do appreciate your wonderful artwork and the songs you post. They are very interesting, and I hope that you find a little happiness in your life to help turn some of those negative events around. It sounds like your overdue.

  9. Bart said,

    Hey Fluffy, I know the feeling about being in a house with a lot of memories, me too. I have to go to work now but I’ll send you a message tonight.

  10. ☮ Sky ☮ said,

    Thanks for sharing your story…not only is it a sad story, it’s also one of strength…yours. Not many people can go through so much pain and come out of it such a caring person. They say everything that we go through helps us in becoming the person we are supposed to be.

    I’ve also lost a sister and my dad from cancer and it changed me in so many ways. Your post gave words to a lot of my feelings too.

    I’m glad you decided to keep blogging and I’m so glad I found it!

  11. Anonymous said,

    I know you may not want to hear this but this is the most honest blog of anyones I’ve read in a long time. You’re right about the drama part, that sucks. You’ve been through so much. You are very good with your words as well. Thanks

    Michael

  12. Anonymous said,

    To every good there must be an bad, you’re good at writing, so people assume that you are part of their lives and attempt to pull you a little more into their world. Human nature demands that a person who is miserable to draw as many in with them. Take heart in that as long as you be who you are without folding to join them, you will always be far better in your talent. Hat’s off to you, you make me think and smile and that’s all that really I should expect, so thanks!

  13. Anonymous said,

    Well I am very happy I found your blog- and PLEASE DO just be you! Thats the only problem with “public” blogging- that you run the risk of offending, or upsetting someone. To me, it’s just like the television- don’t like it? Turn the channel.

  14. Anonymous said,

    I found your blog by accident wandering around in 360 and may I thank you for accepting my invite 🙂 I probably may never be a true-real-life friend, but at the very least I am a friendly reader! 🙂 As for those people who are all about the dramatic, well, you can just ignore those and keep on keeping on with your interesting story! As ever, that’s why I read a few people’s blogs in the first place 🙂 That’s all I ever want from friends-i-never-met — is the privilege to keep reading your stuff! I really enjoy your drawings and writing 🙂 My friend scifigirl23 also got on “Interesting Pages” — and she survived, and actually got more good than bad out of it and I hope you find the same too. 🙂 And like others have commented, just keep on being yourself and know that this “popularity” will fade in due time, and the weirdos will vanish. 🙂

  15. Anonymous said,

    I have been in your shoes with the cancer deal but mine was cancer.
    as you see I am still here, still being me. I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Your family should be there for you not fighing with you. Some times family can cause the worse hurt. But maybe, just maybe in time they will see the real you and put more value on that rather than the house. You write from the heart and seem to have an old soul that has experienced many a life… with that you must know that more is to come! I send you hugs and a blessing that request you find peace, love and real friends.

  16. seanymph said,

    It sounds like you started this blog for yourself, keep it that way. While your page is popular that doesnt mean you MUST do it. I see alot of people getting stressed now over this, not just you and to me it seems a bit strange. I too have been trying to add daily to my blog but I find it stressful. Wasnt the point of this tho to release the stress? to vent? to put words out to the universe? Did we all start it expecting responses? I doubt it. So keep it in the spirit you intended when you started and Im sure everyone will adjust :). Do it as you feel the need to, speak when the words or feelings come. Add when you find something worth sharing and dont put more stress on yourself. I am a new reader, made it just under the wire there with your cutoff but it would be ok if it wasnt daily . …good luck.

  17. nobody said,

    Hey Fluffy. I started my blogs for the same reasons, tragedy in my family brought me the need to find myself. After 2 years I still see a shrink every other week. Just write from the heart, whatever you’re feeling, a blog is not meant to entertain others, but to give us a forum to express ourselves and if other persons appreciate it, well that’s okay but not the reason for it’s existance. Write to please yourself, when you want to write. I don’t write everyday, just when I’m feeling it. So write when the mood strikes you to please yourself, nobody else.

  18. nobody said,

    BTW…you’re mom had a reason for leaving you the house, and it was her choice. Be grateful that you meant that much to her. You’re siblings issues are their problems, not yours. Please remember that and stay true to your mothers wishes.

  19. Anonymous said,

    You’re a brave soul to be so open to your readers. If I were you, I’d continue to “do your blog” for the reasons you started it and not let the drama and all the hype deter you from doing exactly that. My admiration and prayers for making it through so much grief in such a short period of time. God bless you.

  20. joseph said,

    Hi Fluffy, I know I just started to hang out with you…but, honestly, your page has some sort of unadvertised zeal or aura or something that simply imparts a perception of all that is special in life. Keep the faith. You may not know where it is right now…but, I promise, it is out there somewhere!

  21. Razor Rick said,

    im new to the 360 yahoo fluffy and i know what it is to love and lose,,at 43 i dont have mothers days or fathers days,but my own with my children,my mom passed when she was 53 almost 13 years ago,and my dad 5 years ago,and no grand parents,im my oldest living resident,my ex wife walked out on me and our 2 sons 11 years ago and we hadnt seen or head anything untill just this path month she was the top news story,she sits in a prison in alabama waiting to be the 1st woman in the state to face a death penalty and exicution.may of 2006 ,my second wife bailed out because she came into some money and she didnt need me anymore or the boys she once claimed as just like her own.My ray of sunshine only recently happened in sept 2006 .read my blog to see how it came about,quite a atory and everybit true. i dont think we can find love i truly believe now,,it finds us,and when it does,,i believe there is no doubt its there and its real.its coming just be ready cause it will make up for it all,a friend if ya need (you or anyone else) razor.

  22. Anonymous said,

    This is what I try to do – be myself … I don’t want to be involved in anyone else’s drama either. In fact, I had to close my blog page and open a new one because I SOMEHOW (without doing ANYTHING AT ALL) got dragged into someone’s drama and it spilled over into my blog space. I could have stayed put, but by the time it became evident that I had been shanghaied, I was pretty much torn to shreds. I agree – KEEP ME OUT OF IT.

    But, as for my own drama … well, sometimes I find it helps to vent – to have a place where I can spill it all … send it into the void and know that someone is catching it. Maybe even exchange a little food for thought.

    If that bothers you, my sincere apologies, but I don’t think that’s what you are referring to. 🙂

  23. Bellemai said,

    I hope you will always be yourself. You, as you are, are perfect to me, and to anyone who cares about you. Write when you want to. No contracts here, nothing says you have to write every day, and, unless you want to, you shouldn’t. Who needs MORE pressure! I totally agree with you about drama. I am about to edit my friends list severely. I don’t think I can take anymore fighting. People like you, I’d fight to keep. I hope you’ll keep me on your page – you’ll be on mine as long as I have one. I’m glad you didn’t have cancer, the op worked, etc. But the important part of you, the part that’s YOU, can’t be removed, thank God. We are all glad you’re here, and we hope you’ll stay. “love you”.

  24. Anonymous said,

    yes always be yourself. I totally agree you don’t need any drama.Hope you stay too.Ignore the negative people and let the positive people always bring a smile to your face.

  25. Truculent Trencherman™ said,

    Wow…I did not know. You certainly do not need the drama in your life. And by the age of 44 you should be able to live your life the way you choose to live it. It sucks about being estranged from your siblings over your Mom’s house. My siblings and I made a pact years ago…who ever takes care or our Mom in her old age.. gets the house. It is a tremendous act of love to be a caretake for a disabled parent. Well it is good to know that you do have friends without drama or agendas…

  26. Anonymous said,

    Good luck!! You will do well in everything you attempt from now on!! I have had some of your same experiences and thought the world would end but it didn’t and now I am happier than I have ever been. You are interesting.

  27. Lea said,

    Thank you for sharing, I am sorry for the heartache you have gone through, it is very tiring.

    I have been lucky, I have only once, for a very short period of time, had any “drama”. I know it goes on, for there are many that speak of it, but it has never come to my little corner of this world.

    I also worry about blogging publicly, but I agree with Lowriderwitch, if you don’t liek it, change the channel. If people are offended, it is their issue to deal with, and if they express their dislike over something that you said, and it is not done in an aldult manner, the ignore button works wonders! Easier said than done I know, but you must remain true to yourself.

    I will stop rambling now, have a wonderful “rest of the week”, please be well!….Lea

  28. Anonymous said,

    unsure why anyone starts these things, but you mentioned finding yourself. some thing more people should do. until you find yourself you cannot find anyone else. love or none.

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