About my last post…

October 6, 2007 at 6:08 pm (Uncategorized)

What I really was asking I guess, is if you are already in a relationship or marriage, is having an online affair really an affair??

I don’t think there is anything wrong with looking for love on dating websites if you are single. I have done it myself. I didn’t find what I was looking for but I know a few people who have met and married from being on sites like RSVP.

However I do think online affairs are a form of betrayal. BUT it is very very easy to get drawn in to having a relationship like this online.

I am not talking about flirting here. I am talking about actually telling someone you have never met that you love them.

1. It is exciting because you don’t really know each other so you can fantasize all you like.

2. It doesn’t really seem real.

3. In most cases it will never actually move on to anything more, especially if you are in different countries.

In one way online affairs are quite safe, lets face it, you can lie to each other about almost everything and neither would know, unless you decide to take it a step further and meet.

I think if your partner or you feel the need to have an online affair there is something wrong with your relationship in some way. And it may be something you can fix.

But I also think there is a huge difference between an online affair and a ‘real’ affair unless it moves to the next level and does become real.

I could say so much more on this subject.

I do like to keep an open mind. I think if people would communicate more in their relationships this wouldn’t happen as much.

But I would advise anyone before they embark on an online affair to really think about what they are doing.

Are you willing to risk ending the relationship you are in for someone you don’t even know? Is it worth that. I guess that is what you need to ask yourself. And don’t ever think the other person won’t be hurt by it. They will be.

Love Me xxxx

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48 Comments

  1. Anonymous said,

    Yes I have had and am having another one. The first was we were not ready, still love each other wrong time. ugh The one now is so tottally delicious that I can’t wait to hear from her any way possible am I in love oh yeah!
    Peace,
    Van

  2. Anonymous said,

    Yes I have had and am having another one. The first was we were not ready, still love each other wrong time. ugh The one now is so tottally delicious that I can’t wait to hear from her any way possible am I in love oh yeah!
    Peace,
    Van

  3. Anonymous said,

    WOW I better not even get started….some times I get to talkin to some of these ppl and forget just where are feet are planted in the world…it sure isnt right next door to each other………………..I say what ever floats your boat with out stepping on feelings of your “real” other half…I guess

  4. Anonymous said,

    About three months ago, there was a man interview on one of the news networks about emotional infidelity. He was against on-line affairs, and went as far as to say people of opposite could not be friends

  5. Bart said,

    The above is exactly what happened to me, however karma’s a bitch, when the other guy finally met my ex and saw what she was really like he moved on to someone else, this was after she had already gave up her marriage for a fantasy, no turning back for me though, got a good lawyer and divorced her, turned out to be the best thing top ever happen to me, still single but not married to a lier and a cheater anymore.

  6. Anonymous said,

    An affair is an affair…. online or ofline. Neither should happen if you love the person you are with. Peoples lives can be and have been ruined by both. At least in person what you see is what you get! lol. Forming a relationship online where you have feelings for a person which are not kept from the people in your family is different. I believe you can make wonderful life long friends online and there is nothing wrong with that and saying to those people ” i love you” is far different to “im in love with you”.
    I myself have a young male friend online whom i love dearly, we speak online and ofline, he lives in a different country and he chats with all members of our family. He is a part of our family whom we all adore, not just me. He and Jeff even chat and believe me Jeff is not into computer chats AT ALL!!
    So i guess making friends whom you come to care about is of course different to having an affair but perhaps to others looking on they may see it differently to what it actually is.
    🙂 Deb.xxx

  7. Truculent Trencherman™ said,

    I agree with Deb. (see above) An affair is still an affair regardless of where and when it happens. Any action that jepordizes a relationship causes huge emotional damage to the injured party. Why would anyone want to willingly hurt someone they are in a relationship with. If the realtionship is flawed enough to cause one to seek excitement on the internet then it might be best to end the first relationship before starting a new one.

  8. Inferna said,

    I agree with you. That is how I lost my husband. He rather communicate with women on-line than to his own wife. ty 4 posting this.

  9. Anonymous said,

    Its a great article to read and great questions you ask. With my being single i can tell you that talking to women online and planning dates to actually meet, so far only 1/3 ever show up, most just call a day ahead and claim they have to take their son shopping for football equipment and then you never hear from them again. What has supprized me is that i have had more good dates with women i meet online (of the 1/3 that shows up) than i ever have had such luck with ones i meet in a store or some place somewhere. i save the “i loves you” for a time when i can say it and mean it if that moment arrives. Lately ive been thinking that love is just a myth.

  10. Anonymous said,

    I got lucky. Eight years ago, I started chatting on Yahoo, and met my now husband. I had been on for about a month, he a little bit less. I was looking at his profile and just happened to see my name scrolling up the screen; it was him! Within two weeks, he was pledging his love and asked me to marry him. He was 500 miles away, and we had no idea what either one looked like. We exchanged phone numbers and talked for hours on end. I wasn’t looking, neither was he, and here we are today, married four years with four great kids (his, mine and ours).

    If I had to do it again, nowadays anyway, I don’t think I would. I hear a lot of scary stories. Before my husband, I had met up with two other guys; one just wanted a hotel room, the other was a widow and admitted he was looking for a mother for his son. It didn’t feel right to me. I also talked to a guy overseas who happened to be talking to a lot of other girls at the same time, swearing each of us was the girl for him. He did get married, and I sometimes wonder if he ever stopped the on-line flirting.

    I’m happy talking to friends on-line (it’s always after the rest of the family’s asleep), but I’m not into on-line affairs. They will never replace the family I have at home.

  11. Anonymous said,

    I got lucky. Eight years ago, I started chatting on Yahoo, and met my now husband. I had been on for about a month, he a little bit less. I was looking at his profile and just happened to see my name scrolling up the screen; it was him! Within two weeks, he was pledging his love and asked me to marry him. He was 500 miles away, and we had no idea what either one looked like. We exchanged phone numbers and talked for hours on end. I wasn’t looking, neither was he, and here we are today, married four years with four great kids (his, mine and ours).

    If I had to do it again, nowadays anyway, I don’t think I would. I hear a lot of scary stories. Before my husband, I had met up with two other guys; one just wanted a hotel room, the other was a widow and admitted he was looking for a mother for his son. It didn’t feel right to me. I also talked to a guy overseas who happened to be talking to a lot of other girls at the same time, swearing each of us was the girl for him. He did get married, and I sometimes wonder if he ever stopped the on-line flirting.

    I’m happy talking to friends on-line (it’s always after the rest of the family’s asleep), but I’m not into on-line affairs. They will never replace the family I have at home.

  12. Anonymous said,

    Oops. Please excuse the double posting. My cat ran across the keyboard and made it go again…..

  13. Anonymous said,

    Surely the fact is that once a person is contemplating an affair – be it “real” or “online” – that fact should in itself tell them about the state of their relationship and their level of happiness or lack of happiness?

  14. Derose44 - Vicky said,

    This is how I feel about on line affairs. If you are single and not currently in a relationship sure go ahead and give it a try. Something good may come of it. However, if you are in a relationship, ie married….and you have become involved with someone over the internet, it says something about your relationship with your spouse. Been there and been hurt because ex-spouse preferred internet conversations with people never met instead of with his flesh and blood spouse hurt me more than you can imagine and cause an even deeper rife in our marriage. Just my thoughts….

  15. Derose44 - Vicky said,

    This is how I feel about on line affairs. If you are single and not currently in a relationship sure go ahead and give it a try. Something good may come of it. However, if you are in a relationship, ie married….and you have become involved with someone over the internet, it says something about your relationship with your spouse. Been there and been hurt because ex-spouse preferred internet conversations with people never met instead of with his flesh and blood spouse hurt me more than you can imagine and cause an even deeper rife in our marriage. Just my thoughts….

  16. Anonymous said,

    I guess more importantly in all this is the emotional aspect of it all. If one in the relationship feels the need to turn to someone else (intimately) then it takes away from what they could be investing emotionally in their real life relationship. The other party is injured whether or not any actual sex happens because of this. The other party doesnt get what they should from the relationship because he/she is giving that to someone else in whatever aspect. I know this from personal experience unfortunately. I was the injured party. It does hurt.

  17. Jim said,

    Interesting questions you pose. My marriage lasted 26 years and produced a wonderful daughter. However, it should have ended long before it did, I was just plain scared to move on. Move on I did and now three years later I have a new lady in my life who I met on line through a dating site. Seems to have worked for me though I can see the many pitfalls there are in online dating. At the ripe old age of 50 and a relative newcomer to online anything (though computers as tools have been around in my life for a long time) it seems to me that any relationship real or virtual are important and do have real emotional impact on all concerned. To embark an an affair (something I have never done, so who am I to comment) of any shape or form is perhaps one of the worst deceits anyone can perpertrate on another. I understand that relationships founder for lots or reasons but it seems odd to add the complication of another relationship to the complex emotional mix of one that is in crisis. That being said, the world is full of different folk who, for the most part, have different views to me and a dull place it would be if we were all in agreement. However, any emotional commitment made to another human being is important to both and should not be lightly jettisoned. So I guess I’m saying that those who choose to have an affair real or otherwise are free to do so but I would choose not to, mainly because life is complex enough with out having to deal with the trauma and lies that come with that particular teritory.

    Bye the way, a great blog. Keep it up.

  18. Jim said,

    Interesting questions you pose. My marriage lasted 26 years and produced a wonderful daughter. However, it should have ended long before it did, I was just plain scared to move on. Move on I did and now three years later I have a new lady in my life who I met on line through a dating site. Seems to have worked for me though I can see the many pitfalls there are in online dating. At the ripe old age of 50 and a relative newcomer to online anything (though computers as tools have been around in my life for a long time) it seems to me that any relationship real or virtual are important and do have real emotional impact on all concerned. To embark an an affair (something I have never done, so who am I to comment) of any shape or form is perhaps one of the worst deceits anyone can perpertrate on another. I understand that relationships founder for lots or reasons but it seems odd to add the complication of another relationship to the complex emotional mix of one that is in crisis. That being said, the world is full of different folk who, for the most part, have different views to me and a dull place it would be if we were all in agreement. However, any emotional commitment made to another human being is important to both and should not be lightly jettisoned. So I guess I’m saying that those who choose to have an affair real or otherwise are free to do so but I would choose not to, mainly because life is complex enough with out having to deal with the trauma and lies that come with that particular teritory.

    Bye the way, a great blog. Keep it up.

  19. Rick H said,

    I’m a retired widower and feel like an avatar when chatting and cammong on the Internet. It doesn’t feel real to me and I never try fooling anyone into thinking I am in love with them. I do it for fun and I’m up front with that. If they feel different then we can part ways. I have made friends with people that I only know on the Internet and will probably never meet. 🙂

  20. Anonymous said,

    I believe that people have all sorts of affairs , some sexual , but most are mental . Don’t get me wrong I understand where folks come from but my most craven desires are shared with my spouse … so the lying, and cheating are now out of the picture , because we communicate about everything … What do you think about this and the Lifestyle ?
    Hedo Huggs
    HHH & L

  21. Lisa said,

    Hi. I saw this, and had to respond. An “affair” is anything that takes your focus away from your “partnership” It doens’t nessecarily have to be another person.. It’s the workaholic who doesn’t have time to remember an anniversary, the alcoholic who doesn’t remember anything, the den mother too busy with kids to realize her husband is lonely. Those situation can and to often do become real “affairs” I’ve been on both ends in real life and on-line. I didn’t care for either. Relationships do end. It is unfortunate. But if you ever cared for the person you were invol,ved with, do the honorable thing and tell them it is over before you start something with someone new.

  22. Anonymous said,

    I started talking to a lady online about books. Soon we were sharing private things about ourselves and our spouses and it wasn’t long after that, that she requested we carry on our after 10pm when her hubby was inbed. It kept going like that until she told me she had a cam and sure enough, it wasn’t long before we were sitting naked in front of our cams. Some nights she used a vibrator and others her finger, but this lady was having a climax a night. She lived 60 miles from me and after about 3 months of online fucking we met at an out of the way motel for a very long day of great sex. The affair started months before, meeting was just the end.

  23. Anonymous said,

    I don’t know you, but I have the hots for you. . .Now, have you ever read, “Naked Came the Stranger”?

  24. Anonymous said,

    Being true to one’s self, whether on the webworld or on the realworld is what matters most. Honesty is a policy, respect and love can be gained genuinely when this is the foundation of anyone, wherever they may be.

  25. Annabelle said,

    Cheating is cheating,If your married or have someone in your life …cyber relations are like looking at a catalog if your shopping sooner or later your going to find what your looking for…So obviously something is missing in the relationship you already have if your shopping for another one.

  26. Wiz said,

    Fluffster you so rock and i agree with everything you have said
    looking for love online is ok if you are single all the net as done is given people another way to meet eachother and for most people a easy way to cheat when people are online they need to ask them selfs why am i spending all my time on here instead of being with my wife hubby etc thats when you need to take a good hard look at your life and make a choice.
    another great blog all the best
    Wiz

  27. Anonymous said,

    I really enjoyed this post and the insightful comments that followed.To me, personally,an affair is when either party is hiding something from their spouse or partner. Some are physical, others emotional, some very spiritual.As humans, we need many different things, and sometimes, we get these from different people.

    If those involved are honest and open, and care about each other (allowing their familes or partners in on things) I see no real problems.

    It is lack of honesty, lack of real communicating that is the real ‘affair’.

    I’m very open and honest with my partner. If he ever said “I do not care for this,” I would heed his words. He has always been very generous and loving, and I would never take advantage of that.

    As of late, though, I have seen too many people claiming to be in ‘open relationships’ where they were little more than unethical, soul-less whores, regardless of gender. That in itself has made me extremely wary and even more picky.

    I may have all the freedom in the world (thanks to a kind, caring & loving partner) but it is my choice to not always exercise this! An open arrangement should never ever be the kind where the door is flung wide open and just anyone can waltz on in.

    I guess, despite what I have seen and done, the people I have met online and off, I would still urge others to be cautious and think twice, then twice more. An online affair (or any kind of affair for that matter!)can turn around and bite you on the ass.

  28. Bellemai said,

    I met Paul online in 1999 – I thought he was totally upfront and honest with me. Found out later there was one little thing he forgot to mention: suicidal tendencies… We’ve been married 8 years, and last year is the first year he was NOT in an institution of some kind for at least two weeks, usually more, and more than once over Christmas. If I had it to do again, I WOULD NOT DO IT. However, I’m married to him now, and I don’t cheat. It isn’t worth the trouble, and he’s so well house-trained in other ways!

  29. Curtis said,

    well said

  30. ged said,

    very interesting blog,thanks for sharing

  31. Not you said,

    Great blog….want to start on online affair?

  32. Anonymous said,

    I don’t cheat – online or not. But I had an online relationship that turned into a real nightmare. I just wanted to say I like your kitties. They are lovely.

  33. jackaloopa said,

    my ex b/f had numerous “online” affairs most of which i discovered after he gave me his old computer and failed to clean out his hard drive (so to speak)…i found logs of conversations he had with women online…those logs showed plans to meet several women while we were in a relationship…i never said a word…since it was a webcamming site which was easy to find…i set up a profile…sure enough he sent me a message…all he saw in my profile photo was a breast shot in lingerie i had worn for him (no nudity)…he told me after some conversation…he had a girlfriend…but her breasts were not as nice as mine in my photo…lol!!!!!!!!!!…so he “cheated on me with me”…yes i laughed through the tears…

  34. Anonymous said,

    I so agree with everyone here who says an affair is an affair is an affair. In some ways, involving your emotions instead of your body makes it worse because it is your heart cheating not your body.

    I never believe anyone who says online they have an ‘open’ relationship. They might, but I bet their spose doesn’t.

    Meeting people online is just fine. I have met many good friends this way, two of them my best friends. One of whom I love as more than just a friend but would never ask more of him because he isn’t interested in a relationship.

    I guess my point is I’m glad I’m not the only one that realizes it’s not a fantasy. Movies and magazens are fantasy. Porn stars don’t talk back to you or think about you as a person. You are just money to them.

    The person on the other end of that modem has a heart that can bleed and so does your spouse. Those who claim it’s not cheeting should consider how they would feel if it was done to them.

  35. Anonymous said,

    I too have had online relationships.. some of them have developed into long-lasting meaningful friendships. I’m the first to admit – I A BIGTIME FLIRT! When I was bored I used to get online and just flirt with men. I liked the attention they gave me and the intellectual interaction.

    A couple years back when my husband and I were having some problems and I was feeling neglected, I turned to the internet for what I wasnt getting from him. I met someone online who I enjoyed talking to about basically anything. He was married too and so I thought it was safe. We talked to each other about our problems and our spouses etc., and eventually we exchanged cell phone numbers. That’s when things started getting out of hand. I found myself getting deeper and deeper into something I knew was so wrong. He and I would text and call each other. I’ll admit it was exciting at first, but then I felt so guilty. I ended the relationship with this man completely and we never met. I also sat my husband down and told him everything. While I know it hurt him finding out, we agreed to be forever honest and to really work on our relationship. Now I don’t go into chat rooms. I don’t do online flirting and when I’m bored I pounce on my hubby! LOL

  36. Anonymous said,

    I think jackaloopa’s post nails it: “he cheated on me with me”!!! – that’s just not possible irl. Chatting online allows ppl to be anyone they want… ppl are less inhibited and ‘say’ things, believing the internet allows them to be their ‘real’ selves, when they often are not capable of such intimacy/expression irl. While i believe in many forms of love, i don’t believe you can truly love someone until you meet them face-to-face and spend time together talking and communicating and being open (if you are really capable of that).
    As for having affairs (and yes, i’ve done them online and irl), they can be wonderful and exciting, but the fact is, they always involve an element of deceit, and because of that, they can rarely be truly satisfying or fulfilling – just my opinion.
    Blessings to you and yours Ms Fluffy – i do enjoy your blogs.

  37. ●•ּìsђaηּ•● said,

    AAA..CooL BloG Ma’aM..bUT d 3rd point can make some CYBER LOVERS delete their account/(s) or PAGE/(s)..jk..LoL..but d ADVICE is UseFull..THANKS for sharing it as WE can’t have an affair just by stroking ON 121(LoGITECH keys)..HAVE A GREAT DAY and TAKLE CARE..;)

  38. armando g said,

    you know it is an affair. you know it is. anytime you do something behind the back of your significant other, that you know would be hurtful to them if they found out…you’re messing around. also, just because it is on line doesn’t make it less illicit. with the opportunity to im in real time, well, sex is sex. and while you’re getting down and dirty on-line, i can guarantee you that no-one is thinking/caring about the partner who doesn’t know what’s going on. that, my dear, is an affair by anyone’s definition.

  39. William J said,

    gr8 blog!

  40. kilcavan said,

    Great blog I don’t believe chatting to someone online is the same as having an affair for a start you don’t even know if the person you are talking to is who they say they are. It is just good to meet new people on line and learn about their countries.

  41. kilcavan said,

    Great blog I don’t believe chatting to someone online is the same as having an affair for a start you don’t even know if the person you are talking to is who they say they are. It is just good to meet new people on line and learn about their countries.

  42. kilcavan said,

    Sorry I didn’t mean to post that twice it didn’t seem to be working so I clicked on post comment again and then it appeared twice.

  43. Anonymous said,

    an affair of the heart can be just as damaging to a marriage as a physical affair because it pulls the person emotionally away.
    I would feel hurt and betrayed if my cute nerdy man went shopping for an emotional tie.

  44. JD said,

    Wow Can of worms Fluffy
    Online relationships are a B-B-B-B-Bad Bad thing,sometimes a bad thing is good…..for a while .
    You only live once and you should never make the same mistake twice.
    internet relationships hmmm love is all mind online,there are no warts & all intertwined.It’s fantasy, but your heart will be broken even in fantasy land.
    So what about friends online,are they real or fantasy too? I know from experience that Friends online can be good,but I just had a long time online friend just dissapear & i’m gutted.was She a real friend ? I thought so ????

  45. Lucie Lou said,

    If someone has an affair, whether online or in real life, I think its a question, sometimes, of expectations that arent talked about with the other. It’s not the only factor of course not but also I think COMMUNICATION is a major factor also. It’s all about talking about things, not EXPECTING things without even talking about it to the other in your life… if that makes sense. If you don’t discuss things then things go astray ?

  46. Anonymous said,

    Having any flirty conversation either on line or in person does lead up to more serious concinquences

  47. Anonymous said,

    Amazing comments from everyone. Quite a thought provoking post Fluffy! Take care.

  48. ☯Bassplyr5150™ said,

    My wife calls online relationships “emotional infidelity”. I had a couple of old online relationships that I tried to carry on on a friendly way after I met my wife (on line, thanks for the heaping pile of irony), but she asked me in no uncertain terms to terminate. Because I love and respect my wife, I did so, but I wasn’t happy about it. I hold no grudge against my wife, we have been married almost two years ago and all is well, and I came to realize that she was perfectly correct in asking me to sever my ties with those relationships. It’s a slipperey slope, no doubt.

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