Excerpts From \”A Cat\’s Guide To Human Beings

May 17, 2007 at 4:47 pm (Cats) ()

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1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

So you\’ve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you\’ve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures.

There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.

What\’s so great about humans anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:

THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations, and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orang-utans, and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How and When to Get Your Human\’s Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families, or even sleeping.

Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:

Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it assumes the paper is more important than you. It will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys, and small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat\’s \”golden time\” is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human\’s sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.

* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.

* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.

* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they\’ve been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes, and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour\’s Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human\’s face, you\’ll know it\’s worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?

You are obligated to your human for only one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They\’re humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will take you only so far.

 

Love Me xxxxxx

 

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38 Comments

  1. Anonymous said,

    Very interesting! LOL I hope you are well. I am just fine as you know. I hope thing are great for you. You look great in your pics. I hope you are feeling well. I am starting rehab on monday for my neck and back. I have several herniated disks. Very painful. Its better now. I’ve had you on my mind. I miss my computer very much. I’m running out of time in the library. Have a wonderful weekend. Love ya.

  2. A W said,

    That’s great and so true.

  3. teresa r said,

    wow i love this blog. i love cats. i have one myslef. i cant wait untill i read some more of them. keep up the great work on them. take care my awesome friend teresa resheske

  4. Toni A said,

    What a gem. I’ve always wondered what a cat was thinking.

  5. Anonymous said,

    grins..i love this as much as the paranoid cat’s diary!

  6. Beth said,

    this is great….i think of things like this every time i see one of my 3 felines just sitting and staring at me….always staring (get out of my head!)

  7. jackaloopa said,

    very funny…i love the photo…they really do have us in the palms of their paws…hope you’re feeling better…

  8. jackaloopa said,

    very funny…i love the photo…they really do have us in the palms of their paws…hope you’re feeling better…

  9. jackaloopa said,

    sorry about the triplets above…a 360 hiccup i think…

  10. Anonymous said,

    Love it. Everytime I go over my son’s I have a cat that trains me to pet him or her, curls up on my lap and goes to sleep.

  11. Truculent Trencherman™ said,

    Lets not forget ahcking up dinner in the middle of the floor to express one’s contempt for one’s human. Kaito usally manages to barf right under the bed so I get to step in it as my first action of the morning.

  12. Anonymous said,

    Oh my, Fluffy..I love that pic. The pic and text reminds me of Pepper. She was my first cat. We adopted her straight from the ally behind Cockeysville Fair Lanes. She was a hellion…not to us, but to the general public, lol. She used to chase dogs for crying out loud. Pepper was my cat, and yes, at the end of the day, she owned me.

  13. Anonymous said,

    Our cat placed an almost dead mouse on my daughter’s pillow as she slept. To say my daughter was moved by this feline gesture of love and appreciation would be an understatement. I’ve never seen her move faster!!

  14. Anonymous said,

    my owner “lulu” says thank you for expressing her thoughts so eloquently. she also punishes me by putting hairballs in the most inconvient places possible, like in my house shoe. on purpose no doubt. no ending supply of lil varmits she’s toyed with, and the waking me up for a saucer o milk was right on the head. are u my kitty?

  15. LO said,

    LOL! This explains EVERYTHING! Trystan has the stare down. Thankfully, they don’t get the opportunity to go out of doors. Although, when Fannie was still a stray, she did bring me a leg of squirrel. YECH!

  16. Anonymous said,

    how true, our cat does all of the above, she really does own us right down to staring at me when i prepare chicken dishes for dinner. without fail trying to trip me over until she receives her rightful share. lol.

  17. Anonymous said,

    HA!….LOL…This is ver, very funy. As I write this I’ve got two of my three cats looking at the computer screen with me. I guess they wanna make sure I don’t say anything bad about them…

  18. Anonymous said,

    So Thomas has obviously been conversing with this kitty cat….lol
    Good Post…

  19. joseph said,

    This was hysterical…and I can just imagine a cat conjouring this thoughts.
    Great BLOG!!!!!
    joe 🙂

  20. ♥♥♥ r o s e said,

    interisting point of view and funny pic….
    cats are really intelligent, love them… and do you now why? because they have their own will…

  21. standing bear said,

    Osiyo,fluff. i think this is what Garfield has been telling all of us all along.we have big cats here,bobcats and a handfull of cave lions,their fun to watch in the wild but i respect them just the same as i do all the wildlife up here on the mtn.Oh i almost forgot Wayra gave me his new e-mail so every one can hear his new cd clips it is-www.dynrec.com and click on native american music,i hope ya like it it’s peaceful mood tunes.untill next time DONADADOHUEE

  22. Anonymous said,

    This is so cute~ i dont belong to a cat anymore, but this brings back memories. Thank you for the smiles.

  23. Anonymous said,

    awww.so sweetly written…just made me laugh in guffaws

  24. Brian said,

    “Little Foot” was my cats name, he past away a few years ago, but he would somehow know when I was falling asleep. Then right as I was dosing off walk around the bed jump right on the bed run across me and then jump down and make a run for it…….

  25. Nigel B said,

    Love it! That is a truly alternative representation of the way we think. Maybe we are not the superior being we suppose ourselves to be after all lol.

    I would just like to see a cat trying to operate a can opener though lol.

    Nigel..x

  26. carebear said,

    that was so cute i love cats have a great day

  27. basket_1960_420 said,

    love you story it was really a good onehope your having a great day

  28. Anonymous said,

    Genius! Pure genius!

    Nice page, by the way. Laters…

  29. Anonymous said,

    I couldn’t agree more!!!!

  30. Anonymous said,

    I grew up with two or three cats in the house all the time. Still gotta love your excerpts!! Always love CATS!! Can’t wait until the day we actually get a place big enough, so we can try havig a Dog. Thanks for sharing, a laugh is always needed, and it is good to know what a great sense of humor you must have!! Have a good day and catch you later!

  31. Michael, (with the bow tie) said,

    I feel sorry for dog owners. They have nothing to compare with us.

  32. JD said,

    Excellent stuff Fluffy , I’m off now to see if Floyd needs anything 😉

  33. Anonymous said,

    LOL! Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!

  34. Shari said,

    LOL! Cats Rule! Speaking as the mom & grandma to 3 cats & 6 kittens. Dragon, & Horcrux are moms, TooLoose(spelled wrong, think aristocats), lancelot, Yoda & kitty kitty kitty kitty. Have a great day! Hang in there re your sibs. Your mom is proud of you!

  35. Anonymous said,

    Everything that I learned in life I learned from my cats. Can I repost on my page?

    “Of all God’s creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.” – Mark Twain

    A cat sees no good reason why it should obey another animal, even if it does stand on two legs.”- Sarah Thompson

    “Cats are kindly masters, just so long as you remember your place.”- Paul Gray

    “One must love a cat on its own terms.”- Paul Gray

  36. Ivan B said,

    Chortle chortle. Yes I am one of those well trained humans.

  37. Anonymous said,

    Now I know what those two cats of mine are plotting!! Fluffy hugs xxx

  38. Anonymous said,

    My owner loves house guests, he convinces them Inever give him treats so he gets extras. He also usually uses the laundry basket to expatorate a hair ball.

    At least his gifts to me are usually mostly dead. My mom was a bit more moved than I was however. Her shreaks of joy could be heard for blocks.

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