This post for my late husband.
This morning I felt the presence of my late husband around me. I don\’t know exactly how or why I felt this way I just did.
My husband lived on the edge. He was chaos personified. He was wild and crazy. He lived a double life. He was difficult. He was stubborn. He was romantic. He was intelligent. He was charismatic. He was a tortured soul that I thought my love could heal. But love wasn\’t enough.
I just recently bought a new wallet and had to transfer the stuff from my old wallet into my new wallet. In my old wallet was the first poem he wrote me in 1990. The piece of paper is worn and has torn in the creases. I can\’t believe I have been carrying it around for 16 years.
I feel that I am ready now to move on into a new relationship. I think where ever he is he knows that too. I will never forget him, he was a huge part of my life for so long and I did love him even though he had many, many faults. He never went a day without telling me how much he loved me and how grateful he was that I was in his life.
So here is the poem on the torn piece of paper in my wallet.
WAKING
from a turbulent sleep of faerie kings and banes dark deep, inside unbidden and bourne by shades a night spent in Heaven cloud a night spent fleeing from the shadows of Hades. My sleep this night is cold then warm lulling me with calm then assailing me with storm.
Conflict reigns over what was once a fair land.
Then out of the depths of the maelstrom comes a goddess, princess of light, she treads softly whispering comfort to the night, shows me a way to languorous dreams, place of sanctuary from the torturous screams that haunt other paths to a wood of Autumn glow where peace is free and loves not lost and sylvan sylphs follow, laughing in glee all around her, seen only fleetingly behind moss rock, beside a stream though the branches of the trees.
My eyes pleading to hers she allows me inside her keep.
She touches my forehead purges my fear bringing me closer to her bosom near, our heart beats merging One, become, to soar up into unbridled joy, rising with the Sun, to contemplate the dawn of things, burning brightly, heart and hope. To be joined Isis and Osiris in rapture enveloped.
And though, sometimes, I may awaken without your beauty near, I know with joy we’ll reunite, for always without fear.
And LIVE.
(Steven 21.8.1965 – 8.8.2005 RIP)
Fluffybutts Place 
♥♥♥ r o s e said,
October 26, 2006 at 3:50 am
You must felt really deep love to him and you still love him, but sometimes its better for both side to separate. Even love still is there. But seperating sometimes is better before oneself get damaged in mind, in soul and better to seperate before too much energie get lost. Keep loving him always in your heart. Often intelligent people are very stressfull and difficult, but they dont regocnoize it by themselves.
Anonymous said,
October 26, 2006 at 4:46 am
That’s a beautiful poem, your husband was a handsome guy too 😉
Like you say there comes a time to move on, it will be hard for you, i wish you a future filled with happiness.
Chantoozie said,
October 26, 2006 at 5:10 am
Dear Fluffy, that is so so beautiful, I have never read anything so gracious from the wings of a soulmate like that, a poem for you from the deepest part of his soul. You 2 guys must have been crazy in love, and for that be thankful, as his spirit protects you in this world of ours, you can open the door to a new life with someone else with his blessing, but of course, with a partner like this, he will always light a candle in your heart (no other explanation needed)…we all understand that. Thank you for sharing something so personal and may the rest of your days be blessed with such dazzling and immense love and beautiful chaos until you both meet again in God’s amazing heaven. Lots of Love, Lili xxx
Anonymous said,
October 26, 2006 at 5:50 am
My dear friend Fluffy thank you so very much for sharing this most beautiful personal poem. for sharing your personal thoughts of your dear late husband. I am certain from where he is now he is looking over you. wanting you to be happy as you continue your lifes journey.
Be happy and know that you are in my thoughts.
Anonymous said,
October 26, 2006 at 6:23 am
beautifu poem I can underdstand what your saying about feeling your husbands presence. My partner died almost 10 yr ago this chritmas. Sometimes a senise his presence in my youngest son like today we was walking though the park I looked at my son and for a second I imagined my late Partner walking besides me.Then i realise my son walks just like his dad used to walk
Anonymous said,
October 26, 2006 at 10:10 am
Thank you for sharing this most precious part of your life with us. Here are some fuzzy Pika hugs to warm your thoughts and your day.00000
MykelO said,
October 27, 2006 at 11:31 am
Thanks.
Reading this gave me a shiver and a very warm feeling.
I don’t want or need to say more, Michael.
Anonymous said,
October 27, 2006 at 12:25 pm
very nice poem.
he was talented.
iam glad u are ready to move on.
sorry it was a rocky relationship. sorry he passed. sorry he was troubled.
many of us that way.
god bless.
Anonymous said,
October 28, 2006 at 8:19 am
A romantic but tortured spirit is both a draw and trouble. I’m happy for your good memories. May they soon be the only ones you recall. I have a “thing” for the wounded. It can be debilitating at times if a self-protective boundary isn’t in place.
Anonymous said,
October 30, 2006 at 3:30 am
of all the thoughts i’ve read here in the bloggers’ world, this has been the most touching,lving, most heart-leaping/heart-aching, sense-of-cleansing-the-soul, and certainly/unquestionably the most beautiful one i’ve ever read. it represents how our live are truly as multi-layered as onions.
Anonymous said,
April 4, 2007 at 9:26 am
I think I have lived in the place he described. It’s a beautiful poem.
Teressa Shannon Dillinger said,
April 14, 2007 at 9:01 am
Thank you for sharing such a very touching part of your life, yes, ur husband was talented, and he LIVED outside the realm of our world it seems to me, he was an adventurer,is what I mean to say, he really lived and really Loved.. the poem says that. we are fortunate to meet and share our other souls..in this life.
Anonymous said,
May 14, 2007 at 5:15 pm
Anonymous said,
May 14, 2007 at 5:26 pm
Hi, I am really new to all this online stuff. First let me say that you are a very pretty lady, and I hope when I am your age, I look as good! And I love your page, and what a sweet man you had. Definetly wish you the best of luck in the future. But this Jaili, she is smart.
Anonymous said,
October 16, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Wow…what talent. Very intelligent man. You are so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your poem with us.
Anonymous said,
December 9, 2007 at 7:46 am
i too has seen same loss … nothing ever seems to help .. but then so much does … during my times just caring word will do it other times not,, but most people myself included comes to point ,, and realize we must change…. i say it anytime im asked and truly mean it… im blessed and happy to has had most glorious love id rather has had that shared than not to has shared at all …………. and still i willl continue to share even if facing hurt oh you bet im gonna be there to have than to have it not.. much love hugz for u ,, my deepest thoughts are with you
Boyd H said,
December 11, 2007 at 10:45 am
This poem is for a lover to understand. The picture it paints is one that is understood with shared experience only. Everything else is just a projection — from each individual and then it become something he didn’t write-doesn’t it? Good Luck
Anonymous said,
April 25, 2008 at 9:34 pm
oh my, and such a looker too. no surprise though. beauty begets beauty.
Smoking Mom said,
January 1, 2009 at 2:39 am
New to your blog, I like it. That poem is very good, I have printed it to read and keep. Like your blogs, shall read more.